Went through the entire night unable to sleep. Thinking, not sure what about.
In middle school, I had a teacher who would have us write for 30 minutes a day. Regardless of what we were writing, she told us it was best to write. Express ourselves. I remember my initial thought was, “Can people really handle it if I honestly express myself on paper?”
Not THAT much has changed since middle school obviously.
I’ve wrote about relationships in my own personal writings a lot recently. Probably because it’s always the thought in the back of my mind that knocks on my door every time I go out to eat by myself or leave by myself from a get together with friends. The inevitable reality that I am living in. Mark Singleton. No other name to be tagged with it. It’s not Mark and (insert name). It’s not the Singleton family. It’s Mark. And that’s what it is.
Despite being content with my life as it is. I do desire marriage. I desire to be madly in love with a woman. I desire children. I want to be the best dad I can. But the last thing I desire is a marriage to a woman who is a good woman that I like. I don’t want to marry due to pressure from the social norm of being mid-late 20’s and having all married friends. Soon I’ll be re writing this same story and song to a different audience with a changed age range. It’s such a struggle to find what I want.
I also don’t want my wife to be an idol. Shouldn’t I be completely content with Jesus? Why do I need to have a partner? I guess God knew what he was doing in the creation. He knew I’d need someone to complete me, don’t quote the movie Jerry Maguire.
What am I gonna do when I’m 35 writing this? I know one thing, I’m not gonna be hesitant in life. Life is too short. If I go tomorrow, I’ll be pretty content with what all God’s opened up for me.
Let’s be honest, I still feel like God’s got some big things in store. And my hope is that all of these experiences I have been blessed with can be with someone. That I can see the sunset in Peru again but this time standing with my wife. When sobbing over the terrible sights seen in Mumbai, I can be with the woman I’ve embraced through all her own pain. And as well, to stand next to her, look at her face, eyes shut, observing her worship our savior in a regular worship service. These are the things I hope for. Someone next to me throughout this. Throughout the times where we pray and ask our God for providence as we see bills we have no money to pay for. And as well in my strong moments, when Gods grace falls on me, to one day find some kind of success in something, to have her happy to call me her man.
Until then, it’s Mark Singleton. And I’m OK with that. But I am OK, yet also have the anticipation of the future. Raising sons and daughters. Loving a woman. Working more ministry. Living in community with amazing brothers and sisters.